truck stop sunglasses
road trip thoughts > shower thoughts
I got back from Costa Rica late Friday evening and hit the ground running the next day - quick load of laundry, visiting family members (hi new baby!) (hi older nieces and nephews!), packing - heading to Austin, Texas. the plan was to spend the weekend with a couple of coworkers and then head over to the Grand Canyon with one of them before continuing on a long-term road trip.
I’m always internally debating between my next trip being international or US-based. International travel is more glamorous, for sure - what sounds cooler, a story set in Iowa or one from Mexico? But the States has so much to offer, so I decided earlier this year that I wanted to take a big road trip and live the Kerouac life. I’ve also always had this weird desire to sleep in my car (“what are your dreams and goals, Christie? oh, to sleep in your car in a Walmart parking lot?…… this girl needs new priorities” -direct quote from my coworker) and so far, 2021 has been all about doing the things I’ve always said I would do but never actually taken action on.
the other thing about this road trip is that I’ve been going through a lot of change recently, grappling with new cycles in life and new ways of being, trying to understand who I am in the context of who I was and who I want to be. and road trips, especially solo ones, give you nothing but time to sit and think. honestly, there is no better time to be thoughtful and introspective than a long road trip in the desert - to know who you are, to come to terms with the thoughts that constantly roll through your head. it’s a different way of knowing yourself; distractions are limited and being alone in the car means you have no one to talk to but yourself and so you had better hope the conversation is interesting.
there were a few things cycling in my mind during this eight hour drive from New Orleans to Austin, namely the recent trip to Costa Rica and all that happened there. but honestly less about what happened there in terms of adventures and physicality and more in terms of what I learned about myself. to be honest with you, Costa Rica was a difficult trip. I went with someone whom I’d met in Mexico and although it was supposed to be just as magical and dreamy as the time we spent together in Tulum, it wasn’t. but none of that really matters in and of itself; what matters is that I learned some key things about myself and areas of growth I want to lean into for this year.
key thing one: I am a passive person. you would never think it to meet me because I am loud, silly, and love being the center of attention. yet I also prefer being diplomatic to expressing opinions, allowing others the right of way, and never taking the first course of action (particularly in relationships).
key thing two: I am learning to do things on my own terms and not to be hemmed in by my family’s expectations or definitions of life and how it should be lived (hand in hand with passivity).
key thing three: As this exploration of my own values, dreams, desires, and goals happens, I am understanding how different things hurt and affect me. This is very vague, but I don’t know how to explain it without turning into a long form essay. (read: I will write about this later)
there is a lot to unpack here, but the most relevant thing for this maiden voyage of a newsletter is key thing one. I realized yesterday while brushing my teeth that this passivity, desire for control, and need to be diplomatic has manifested itself as a near inability to publicly share thoughts and opinions (that’s not the sexiest time to have an existential revelation, but there’s something to be said for multitasking). I have a hard time sharing writing, tweets, and even photography. Maybe it’s partly because it’s easier to be passive, maybe it’s partly because of my control issues, but in any case I don’t want to let myself stay in this state. I don’t want to hide myself and not grow in ways that make me deeply uncomfortable and I don’t want to lose the potential to be vulnerable in an effort to protect myself. and that’s why I’m here writing this newsletter: it’s meant to be a practice of sharing stories and more vulnerable things about myself so that I can grow, learn to connect with people in a new way, and document this journey in public - a journey both literal and metaphorical, physical and metaphysical.
I don’t know what to tell you to expect from this newsletter but I am happy and grateful that you have any interest in following along. mostly I think you can expect pictures, random musings and thoughts I have about being a person and growing and strange things like that, and maybe some weird travel stories (such as and including the literally magnetic man I met in La Fortuna who stuck a spoon to my shoulder, the time I hitchhiked with a bunch of drunk taxi drivers in Bacalar, the yacht party I was ferried to in Isla Mujeres, the time I got kicked out of an illegal club in Mexico City, the flat I stayed in with an eccentric but sweet Englishman in Tulum, etc etc!). and also thank you for reading this! it is scary for me to send but comforting to know there are kind eyes on the other end.